Through the fire

After a long week, I was happy that Saturday afternoon had finally arrived. That meant my weekend could officially begin! That evening my husband and I started watching a two-part documentary called Into the Fire: The Lost Daughter (https://time.com/7020856/into-the-fire-the-lost-daughter-true-story-netflix/). It was a compelling story about a woman name Cathy, who had to make the heartbreaking decision to put her daughter up for adoption almost 40 years ago. It details her journey about finding her daughter, Alexis. I wont spoil anything, but do highly recommend you add it to your list! At the end, Cathy commented, "Its like walking into a fire, and that transformed me. Its a very intense, hot, burning-the-flesh-off-of-me fire that nobody can see, that only I can feel. But, I think I need to go through this. I need to find the other side of the fire." It resonated with me so deeply that it made me stop and ponder the words she said. I even slept on it. I woke up with that as one of my first thoughts.

So, here we go.....

Hearing Cathy's words, I was.....relieved. Someone else understood. And it was a stranger on television, at that! Experiencing my own challenges along the way, this is precisely how I felt. Although, surprisingly, I could never articulate the feelings into words. I knew I had faced the fire more times than I wished to acknowledge. I had felt its burning rage and anger. Yes, I had been in the fire many times before and Cathy's words reminded me of the battles I had conquered there.

Have you ever watched a burning fire? I mean, truly watched. Its a magical sight to be seen. It sways and waves its red and orange tentacle-like-flames. Stunning. Raging, roaring. Almost like its putting on a show, enticing you join in. Tempting you to embrace the anger, grief and sadness you hold. Luring you to feel all the things that frighten you. It smolders you. You don't know which direction is up or down. It all feels confusing and disorienting. And when you reach the other side, you are never the same. You aren't meant to be.

The things we try and avoid (feelings, situations, people) are the very things we need to grow through. Earlier this year I learned that grief isn't just for the physical death of something. Thinking back, I feel like this should have been a common sense thought, but this concept was new to me. You can grieve the loss of any kind? It didn't just need to happen with a physical death? If you were like me, welcome to the other side! Its a real kick-in-the-pants the moment you realize this. The depths of emotions you visit here is where the real healing happens. And, quite frankly, it needs to happen. This is the space where I truly found my authentic self. I had to sit with a vast array of emotions and put them where they belonged. Every time you emerge from the fire, you change. Almost like a rebirth. I know for me, I wasn't afraid to show the world who I was really was anymore. I didn't need to hide behind the mask I had been wearing all along. I didn't need to feel ashamed. I didn't need to feel guilty. Actually, all I felt was love. I LOVED myself. Because I allowed myself to feel it all down to its rotten burning core.

I hope you find the other side of whatever fire you are battling <3